


How To Steal a Guy (Literally)

by Story_Dragon



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Getting Together, M/M, Pirate AU, this is a pretty lighthearted fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 00:35:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14320581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Story_Dragon/pseuds/Story_Dragon
Summary: Phil is on his first ever mission as pirate captain -- to steal the Duke’s son and hold him for ransom. Things don’t go quite like he planned.





	How To Steal a Guy (Literally)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic for tumblr user @hannahlikesholland for the easter fic exchange. Enjoy!

Phil glanced around the room. The overly elaborate decorations and gaudy golden trinkets made his teeth clench. How could the duke bear to live like this while the people of this town suffered? He didn’t reprimand Tyler when he grabbed a small golden frog statue. Sure, he’d specifically forbidden thievery on this mission, but he doubted anyone would even notice if a few things went gone. These people were filthy rich. 

To say that there would be no thievery on this mission was inaccurate. Phil and his crew were here to steal exactly one thing. The Duke’s only son. 

As soon as Phil saw fire out of the corner of his eyes he gave the signal to move. This was a precise operation and he had it timed down to the second. Sure, this was his first mission as captain, but this wasn’t his first time at the rodeo. Or more accurately, at being a pirate. No, Phil had found home on a pirate ship since he could barely walk. This was his birthright, his legacy, his life. He was the youngest captain since Blackwell Robinson and he could not fuck this mission up. Not if he wanted to remain in command of the biggest pirate ship in the Youtube fleet. 

Phil and PJ snuck through the house unnoticed. Most of the household was sleeping, and those few awake were panicking about the fire. They would soon wake the duke, but by that point Phil would be long gone. By the time anyone realized the son was missing, they’d be back on the boat. Then, they’d demand a ransom and get a far heftier sum than if they’d pillaged the house. 

Yes, this was a refined operation and one Phil knew like the back of his hand. As the rest of his crew caused fires and distracted servants, he and PJ crept into the chambers of the Duke’s heir. He was fast asleep, lying on the bed. As Phil carefully tied a piece of cloth around his mouth, he got his first good look at this son. He had brown hair, styled just like Phil’s, with soft features and a relaxed expression on his face. Even in the dim light, Phil could tell he was cute. He was probably an asshole though, Phil reminded himself. Most rich people were. They were on a mission here, and he couldn’t afford to get distracted. 

PJ slung the boy over his shoulder, and Phil placed the ransom note on the pillow. Sophie and Tyler joined them as they made their way out the back of the house, and through the streets of Surdenan. The fire was probably out by now (they didn’t want to cause lasting damage to the house, after all, they wanted the money from all those fine paintings and elaborate statues), and soon they’d discover that the son was gone. Said son somehow remained asleep as they left the house, which made things much easier. As they made their way back to the beach they’d docked at, however, the Duke’s son stirred. Suddenly, his eyes flew open. Phil could see his face scrunch up in confusion, as well as the way the light of the streetlamps reflected off his brown eyes. He had surprisingly pretty eyes, Phil noticed, as he tripped over a loose cobblestone. Goddamnit, he needed to focus! When they finally reached the ship, Phil had his first mate, Martyn, tie the duke’s son to the mast as they set sail. 

“Be gentle, though. He’s for ransom, not an enemy hostage.” Phil told his brother. Martyn gave him a strange look, but complied. It wasn’t out of character for Phil to want someone treated well, but it’s not like Martyn would start wailing on the boy. Why should Phil care how tight the ropes wer?

As they sailed away, Phil lowed the white sail they’d been flying while docked in the town, replacing it with the feared pirate flag; a red flag with a white triangle. He walked to the mast sat down beside the Duke’s son. He’d been strangely quiet and still as they set off, not struggling or trying to speak through the gag. Phil removed the cloth around his mouth, and the captive began speaking immediately. 

“What are you doing? Why did you take me? You’re a pirate, right?” He said. 

“Uh, yeah,” Said Phil. “We are. Pirates, that is.” Damn it. He was normally so much more eloquent than that. Or at least, if he’s being honestly, slightly more eloquent than that. 

“I’m Phil. Captain of this ship. And you’re being held for ransom.” He said. 

“Nice to meet you Phil. I’m Dan.” Said the young man who was, apparently, named Dan. He didn’t seem surprised or scared by the fact that he was currently tied up on the deck of a pirate ship, being held for ransom. In fact, he seemed rather… relieved? Phil frowned. This man was an enigma. A cute enigma, yes. But altogether a strange person.

“How long am I going to be tied here?” Asked Dan. “Not that it’s too uncomfortable, I’m just curious.”

“Why aren’t you more…”

“Anxious? Scared? Oh no, believe me, I’m absolutely terrified. Not of you though. My Dad’s gonna kill me for being kidnapped. And for having to pay a high ransom for me. I’m essentially doomed.” 

Phil frowned. 

“Do you think your dad will pay the ransom?” He asked. Sometimes people refused to pay a ransom if they weren’t particularly close to their stolen family member. He hoped that wasn’t the case. There was also a part of him that didn’t want Dan to be in trouble for something that wasn’t his fault in the slightest. Dan didn’t seem like a bad person, despite being from a filthy rich family. 

“Oh he’ll definitely pay.” Said Dan. “He wishes I was a completely different person in all aspects, but I am still his only son, and therefore his heir. The only thing worse than having a weak, clumsy, lazy son is not having one at all.”

“You can’t be more clumsy than me.” Phil grinned, leaning up against the mast beside Dan.

“Oh really? I probably am. I once dropped a priceless vase, approximately two seconds after I was told ‘be careful, it’s fragile.’” Dan gave a weak chuckle, recalling the incident. 

“I once tripped over an uneven deck, grabbed a rope to catch my fall, and accidentally dropped a sail on top of the captain.” Phil had been 10 at the time, and the incident, though relatively harmless, had mortified him at the time. It was one in a series of equally embarrassing incidents. Phil really wasn’t lying about the clumsiness thing. 

“I don’t even need an uneven surface to trip over! I just drop things for no reason sometimes. I call it butterfingers.” Dan chuckled.

Phil listened as Dan talked about butterfingers. The conversation moved on to other embarrassing stories, then to strange food they’d eaten, then to music. Phil learned that Dan had been to the same concert as him, when Phil was 20 and Dan was 16. They marvelled over the coincidence, and Phil untied Dan so they could high five. It was only when PJ came and told him they were approaching the Wifi Island that Phil realized how long he and the duke’s son had been talking. They had a lot in common, and Dan was a genuinely funny and interesting person. Phil felt more of a connection to Dan after talking to him for a few hours then he did with some people he’d known for years. As they approached the island, Phil instructed his crew in their various tasks. Dan stood at the bow, observing the activity but staying out of the way. His hair was getting messed up by the wind, and Dan tried in vein to keep his fringe in place. Dan’s eyes were--

“Earth to Captain Phil?” It was PJ. “I’m the space explorer, not you. Stay on earth, and stop staring at our ransom bait.”

Phil felt his cheeks heat up. Damnit, he hadn’t realized he was staring. He quickly got back to docking the ship. Once they were safely docked on wifi island, Phil assigned Martyn and Cornelia to stay onboard the ship for safety purposes, and let the rest of the crew head to the inn. Wifi island was a small pirate island, one of two owned by the Youtube fleet. Being part of the most prestigious pirating gang in the seven seas had it’s benefits, one of which was islands with inns, bars, shops, shipyards and of course hostels. It was one of the reasons so many people joined the fleet; sleeping on your ship all the time gets tiresome, and on the mainland you’ll be killed if people find out you’re a pirate. Wifi island was a safe haven. 

Phil explained all this to Dan as they walked to Comment Inn. It wasn’t the cleanest of establishments, but they served decent food, and the beds were comfortable enough. Phil waved PJ away when he offered to make Dan room with one of the lower ranking members of the crew, under the flimsy excuse that he wanted Dan to bring him food in the mornings. Phil was pretty sure that PJ thought he was bringing Dan to his room for other reasons, but he honestly just wanted to talk. Dan was the most interesting and engaging person he’d met in- well, ever, if he was being honest. So Phil brought Dan to the room they’d been assigned. He was mostly pleased to notice there were two beds -- he wasn’t sure Dan would be comfortable sharing -- though there was definitely a part of him that would have liked it. 

They settled into their respective beds with little talking. Phil suspected that Dan was more shaken by the night’s events than he claimed to be, and Phil himself could admit to feeling a bit exhausted. That had been, after all, his first mission as captain. All things considered, it had gone quite well. His last thought before he drifted off to sleep, was that --something about dan--. 

The next morning, Phil woke up to find the bed across the room empty. The new captain realized with a start that he may have just made an enormous mistake. He’d had such a good time chatting with Dan yesterday that he’d pretty much forgotten that Dan was effectively their prisoner. He hadn’t tied him up before going to bed. He hadn’t even thought of the possibility Dan would try to escape. 

What a fool he’d been. 

Phil felt strangely betrayed by the thought, well, by the likelihood, that Dan had run away. Which was strange. Dan didn’t owe him anything. Sure, he’d gotten along better with this Duke’s heir than anyone he’d ever met, but that didn’t mean anything. Dan was their hostage, their captive. Of course he would try to escape. 

It didn’t mean anything special. This wasn’t rejection, though it felt like it to Phil. It was just how things went. 

Phil ambled down to tavern connected to the inn. His crew would no doubt be eating their morning meal, unaware that Phil had let Dan escape, and with him, their chance at getting the ransom money. As he entered the room, he scanned the faces. He spotted a few familiar faces, of pirates he’d worked with before, and he kept looking through the low-lit room until he spotted his crew in one of the back corners. PJ was there and sitting beside him, someone with curly brown hair. Curlier than Dan’s, or so Phil thought, but as he approached the table he saw the Duke’s son sitting beside his best friend, cheerfully plowing into a breakfast of eggs and toast. The tension ebbed out of Phil’s shoulders, and he realized just how glad he was to see Dan sitting there. Not only because it meant he hadn’t failed his first ransom attempt, but because he genuinely enjoyed spending time with Dan. Casually, of course. Dan would have to go back to Surdenan as soon as his father agreed to pay up, and then Phil would never see him again. He couldn’t go getting attached. 

This was going to be a casual relationship. Barely even a friendship. Definitely nothing more. Even if Phil wanted it to be, there was no way anything would work out. Dan was a rich heir, Phil was a pirate. He needed to keep reminding himself of that. It wouldn’t do to get his heart broken over something inevitable. 

Over the next few days, the Phil and his crew stayed on wifi island. Martyn and Cornelia went daily to check if Dan’s father in the spot specified in the ransom note. Martyn would check if there was money, and Cornelia, hidden in a tree, got ready to shoot down anyone who might ambush him. Meanwhile on the island, Phil showed Dan what the pirate life entailed. It was quite a culture shock for Dan, he could tell. Despite Dan being far nicer and humbler than any rich person he’d encountered before, it didn’t change the fact that the younger boy’s upbringing was that of nobility. Here there were no maids or footment to attend to your every need, and at first Dan stood out like a sore thumb. He was different, down to his very accent being posher than the pirate folk living here. 

The second day on the island, Phil showed Dan his favourite spot, on the island. It was a little secluded nook in the side of the main hill, hidden by brambles and vines. Dan grumbled all the way up about all the exercise he was being forced to do, but he had a smile on his face as he complained. 

“Welcome to my hideout!” Said Phil as he gestured Dan into the small cave-like place. This was where he’d spent time as a child whenever his mom’s pirate missions led them to Wifi island. From the small depression in the cliff, you could sit and watch the waves, and the seals swimming down below. Dan seemed suitably impressed by the view, and the two of them spent the rest of the afternoon there. Phil brought out some chicken and potatoes he’d stashed in his bag.

“Where’s the cutlery?” Asked Dan. Phil just chuckled at Dan and started eating the chicken drumstick with his hands. 

Dan gave him a startled look, but recovered quickly, and soon joined Phil in eating the chicken in his admittedly more messy manner. What did it matter though? It was just the two of them here. 

Phil blinked in surprise when Dan leaned against him, but managed to keep his composure.

“I’m so tiiiired…” Dan complained. 

Phil just smiled fondly at him. There was no need to go back to the inn quite yet. They could rest here together for a bit first. 

So they did. 

\----

By the fourth day on the island Dan had pretty much settled into life on the island. Phil had pretty much forgotten Dan was technically a prisoner, and the thought that he might escape wasn’t even the faintest thought in Phil’s mind. Phil woke Dan up, and the two of them went downstairs for breakfast, chatting the whole way. Phil was telling Dan about all the strange things he’d done as a kid.

“Honestly Phil, I’m not surprised you ate some strange things as a kid. It’d explain a lot about you.”

Phil shoved Dan into a wall in retaliation for that comment. Using about 10% strength, mind you. He wouldn’t want to actually hurt him. 

Over breakfast they had a competition to see who could catch berries in their mouth better. Currently Dan was winning 10-5, though Phil maintained it was just cause Phil was giving easier throws. 

“All or nothing!” Phil declared. “The person who gets the next point wins the whole thing!”

Dan protested the unfairness of Phil’s ‘all or nothing’ plan, but before they could settle anything, Martyn came up and tapped Phil on his shoulder, and procured a plain white envelope from his coat pocket. Phil’s stomach dropped and his good mood evaporated. He was pretty sure he knew what this was. 

The envelope contained a shit ton of money. Half the money they’d asked for, with a promise of the other half once Dan was returned home. 

Phil should have been happy. Not only did the money mean he could afford to pay his crew, and for nicer sails, it meant that he’d successfully completed his first proper mission as a captain. He’d proven himself. Phil wasn’t stupid though. He knew what else this meant. 

It meant it was time for Dan to leave. 

Martyn, seeing Phil’s conflicting feelings reflected on his face, gave his younger brother an annoying knowing look. Phil frowned at him. 

“We should leave now.” Said Martyn. 

Phil tried to think of a way to stall, or a reason for Dan to stay, but he knew that there was nothing he could do. It wasn’t like he hadn’t always known their friendship was doomed. So they collected Dan’s few belongings -- the clothes he’d been given during his stay here, and the Buffy book Phil gave him -- and boarded the ship. Dan looked as downtrodden as Phil felt, which was saying something. Phil helped his crew set sail, then walked over to where Dan was leaning against the aft railing of the ship. 

“Are you worried about your father?” Asked Phil, remembering what Dan had told him on the way here. He’d that his father would be angry at him for being kidnapped, which was total horshit in Phil’s opinion. None of this was Dan’s fault.

“Yeah, that too.” 

“That… too? So what’s the main thing bugging you then?”

“I know I should be grateful for what I have. I have money, I have people to attend to my every need. I’ll be a duke when I grow up.” Dan sighed. He looked down at the deck underneath his feet. 

Phil titled Dan head up, so they were looking at each other. 

“So what’s wrong?” 

“I’ve never had a best friend before.” Dan mumbled. 

There was a moment of silence before Dan gave an awkward laugh and broke eye contact with Phil. 

“Also my dad sucks, yeah. And it’s gonna be awful going back to being all polite and proper again.”

Phil stayed silent. He stared at the water, thinking. 

“My dad is kinda the worst? Like, I can never do enough to please him. Also I fucking hate my room. It’s too bright. And my clothes. I don’t even get to buy my own clothes, so they’re always way too bright. I wish I could just wear black all the time. Sorry. I’m rambling. Why aren’t you saying anything? Please cut me off so I’ll stop embarrassing myself. Phil? Are you--”

“Wanna be a pirate?” Phil blurted out. 

Dan stared at him.

“I mean… like. If you. Didn’t want to go back you could. Be a pirate, I mean.”

“Can I kiss you?” 

Now it was Phil’s turn to be surprised. 

“W-what?” He stuttered out. Phil was pretty sure he face was bright red. Dan’s was as well though, so at least this was mutually awkward. 

“Uhm, nevermind I--”

Phil leaned in and cut Dan off with a soft kiss. Phil could hear Tyler wolf whistle behind him. 

“I take it this is a yes to joining the crew then?” Said Phil once they’d separated. 

“Absolutely.” Said Dan. “What about the rest of the money though?”

“...I have a plan.”

EPILOGUE  
Two days later, in the middle of the night, a tall, black-clad, and brown-haired figured crept aboard a ship. He carried over one shoulder a large bag full of expensive items, that, if one were to look closely at, one might see they were that of a wealthy duke. Over his other shoulder this figure carried a bag full of personal items, including one book titled Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. The brown-haired boy was greeted by the black-haired pirate captain, and the rest of his crew. 

By the time the sun came up there was no sign the ship had ever been there. The duke of Surdenan never learned what happened to his son Dan. A few years later he heard rumors of a feared pirate duo known simply Dan and Phil, but he knew that this Dan couldn’t be his son. His son was a sad, slouching, lonely boy, who’d never leave the house without straightening his hair. This Dan had curly hair, a best friend, and enviable confidence.

The Duke was right. This wasn’t the same Dan that had been his son many years ago.

This Dan was happy. And so was his husband Phil, and their dog Dil. 

All was well on the seven seas.


End file.
